Bob, an electrical contractor, knows what RSS stands for, and I feel sorry for him. He had the misfortune of signing up for an RSS feed. This misnomer is designed to make us feel like we're getting a "feed" of data just like all the really, really important media people do. When he first tried RSS, he thought, "Wow, I can get immediate updates on product and industry developments, important news from Yahoo!, and even get a new joke from The Onion, all as soon as they're published!" Instead, he was "fed" an endless stream of meaningless items displayed in an overly large browser window that winds up distracting more than informing. Like Bob, most of the business owners I know have abandoned RSS and gone back to controlling when they get their information. Still don't know what RSS stands for? Trust me, it's just not that important.

Jamie! You started a blog for your business? That's dope! Now go out and get some accessories, like a pair of black-rimmed rectangular glasses and a Starbucks card. And oh, by the way, you'll need to set aside about 17 hours each day to keep it fresh. Dude, it'll be so viral. What's that, Jamie? You're not in the media business? You don't work for a software company? You just own a hardware store? Dude, that's a drag! If you don't have something new to say each day, no one's going to bother to stop by and check out your blog. It'll be, like, so lame. And if you do have something to say, just be careful you don't give away too much information. You didn't consider all this? You don't have the time? You're not such a great writer? Word.

You mean for $5,000 I can get my company's name on the very top of Google's search results? Where do I sign? Many business owners have been fooled by the allure of search engine optimization (SEO)-and I'm one of them. I forked over a bunch of dough to a firm in California that promised to get my company's name on "all the major search engines" when someone was looking for products that we sell. How did they plan to do this? I'm still not really sure, but it had something to do with spiders, black hats, and link farms. That should've been enough of a hint that witchcraft was involved. After a brief flirtation with page 47 of MSN's search results, I gave up. SEO probably does the job for companies with oodles of money, but not for the typical small business.

Readers of my work may find this item a little surprising. I've always been a big proponent of customer relationship management (CRM) software. One big reason is that my company sells this stuff. And we have a lot of small business clients who have really used this technology well. Unfortunately, we have a lot of other customers who haven't been as successful. Fred, a manufacturer of roofing materials, is one of them. Fred and I both learned that a CRM system doesn't work for a small business without an internal "champion" who takes ownership of it. His $20,000 system just sat there. No one used it. At best, we hope it will become a glorified Rolodex one day. A CRM system can be a good thing, but it takes more than paying for the software and training. Without a substantial internal investment, CRM won't work.

John's a pretty smart guy. He runs a company that sells specialty pet foods. He manages his own investments. He keeps an eye on his taxes. But I've found a way to turn John into a blithering idiot. I've asked him to figure out how to use Google's AdSense profitably. Are you interested in a mind-numbing exercise? Give AdSense a shot. Or Yahoo SM or MSN AdCenter. Don't you know how much to budget for "clicks" on your ad? Are you just a little suspicious as to who exactly is counting these "clicks" that conveniently turn into revenue for these companies? Like John, you've just entered the alternate universe of Internet advertising! Here's a word of wisdom: Leave the mass-market advertising to Coke and Pepsi. Small business owners should stick to less mystifying forms of promotion.